HSP Topics: Highly Sensitive or Highly Touchy?

This article is the sixth in a series about the joys and challenges of life as a highly sensitive person (HSP). For more background information about HSPs please read The Highly Sensitive Person: An Introduction. The introductory article also contains an index of all my articles on high sensitivity.

As a Highly Sensitive Person, I am acutely aware of not only my own, but also other people's feelings. And I also am well aware that part of the HSP trait-- for many people-- involves some variation on the theme of "easily hurt feelings." As a result these awarenesses, I tend to be extremely careful about not hurting anyone else's feelings.

And yet, as a writer and long-time student of the HSP trait, I also know that the information I share-- however factual it may be-- may become the source of hurt feelings, for some people. In this article I will be exploring something that's a difficult topic for many HSPs-- namely the delicate balance between merely being "Highly Sensitive" (in a positive way) and slipping into the negative pattern of being "highly touchy."

A large part of what makes this a "difficult" topic for HSPs is that we have often spent much of our lives being told "Oh, you're just too sensitive!" and now I'm going to explain how there are, indeed, certain negative (or toxic) ways in which we can become "too sensitive."

If you're reading this article, there's a high likelihood you're an HSP. There's also a high likelihood that your feelings get hurt easily. This is a natural part of the trait. But-- even as an HSP, yourself-- perhaps you know someone who:

Makes you feel like you constantly have to tiptoe around them, leaving you with a sense of "walking on eggshells."

Is never happy with anything, unless things unfold precisely according to their wishes.

Indirectly intimidates you-- or other people-- by making a "dramatic scene" unless the "needs" of their sensitivity is catered to, to the letter.

Frequently makes statements that end with the words "... but I can't, because I'm highly sensitive."

Incorrectly identifies actual pathologies (social anxiety, agoraphobia, shyness, lack of impulse control, ADHD, PTSD, and others) as "part of being an HSP," thereby granting themselves license to not deal with their own deep rooted problems.

Although appearing passive and compliant, subtly manipulates group situations to unfold according to their "needs, as an HSP," even if detrimental to the group, as a whole.

Steadfastly refuses to participate in any form of social activity (usually in work settings), but pouts and "emotionally punishes" everyone in a group if not invited, even after saying no for the 20th time.

Uses illness, chronic ailments or personal crises as "attention getting" tools, subsequently blames these on "being an HSP."

Engages in black-and-white thinking-- Incorrectly perceives that anyone who sees them as "less than wonderful" must, by definition, "hate" them.

If any of the above sound familiar, you're probably dealing with a "highly touchy person." Now, I should add that this doesn't mean they are not an HSP-- it merely means they are facing underlying issues that extend far beyond high sensitivity. The problem is that such a person is usually using the term "I'm highly sensitive" to mask-- and avoid dealing with-- some serious personal problems requiring the help of a mental health professional.

There is a high correlation between those who come from abusive backgrounds-- could be in their family-of-origin, or past relationships-- and a tendency to not only embrace the idea of being "Highly Sensitive," but to additionally "wear" the trait as a coat-of-armor against the world.

When I speak of a "highly touchy person," I am often speaking of the HSP who's actually using the HSP trait as the "driving reason" for why any- and everything bad happens, in their lives. This person doesn't actually use their understanding of high sensitivity as a tool for personal growth and self-development, rather, they adopt the HSP label as a way to avoid dealing with any of their own difficult issues, while blaming others for their difficulties. In many ways, they put themselves in a "one down" situation, where they feel like they are victims of their own circumstances. High sensitivity becomes justification for not engaging in life.

In extreme cases, this can turn into a form of "emotional bullying" or "emotional blackmail." For example, I have been told, on several occasions, that I was "obviously NOT an HSP" because I was unwilling to validate the other person's self-destructive behavior as a "natural" part of the HSP trait. I have also met people-- who were very obviously HSPs-- whose feelings were hurt by the mere fact that my opinion about a topic was different from theirs, and they subsequently attempted to convince me that I was INsensitive for not seeing the world as they did.

Self-exploration involves many challenges, not least of which is the difficulty of remaining objective about oneself. As such, when we explore this thing called "being a highly sensitive person," it becomes important to stop and consider whether we are actually using our learning to grow, as individuals... or have we slipped into a pattern of allowing ourselves to disengage from life in the name of "protecting" our sensitivity? And moreover, are we using we know to manipulate others into accepting our point of view, at the expense of their own?